Little Thoughts

 

From Mike’s Twitter & Facebook Posts

 

Next month begins 2018, but our store’s Muzak is still from the 1970s. Except at Christmas, when it’s from the 1950s. – Dec 6, 2017

Just wrote Nov. 2, 1917, as today’s date. Wow! That would make our sitting president Woodrow Wilson, an academic from Princeton. Wow. – Nov 2, 2017

“Cleanliness is next to godliness.” Yup. The in-your-face clean and the in-your-face godly. Equally annoying. – Nov 27, 2017

The managers at the grocery are racing around taking care of this, recruiting associates to deal with that. We’re always getting things done, yet we never get out of our state of crisis. It’s like we are all stampeding in place. – Nov 17, 2017

I just tried Trader Joe’s Pastrami Style Smoked Salmon. Had it on an everything bagel with cream cheese. This is the place where lox meets lunch meat. I like it. It is the Sharknado of smoked salmon. – Nov 9, 2017

I thought of going to the store today dressed as General George Armstrong Custer. Figured I could rent an 1870’s cavalry officer’s uniform and a bunch of fake arrows. Then I thought, no, the militarists will call me out for disrespecting a fallen soldier and the white liberals will call me out for stereotyping Native Americans. So I went to work as a center-store associate and no one gave me any grief. – Oct 31, 2017

This evening we are getting 2-3 inches of rain with wind gusts up to 60 mph. I’ll be at work, mopping up leaks and dancing around outside after patio furniture & other poorly secured objects. It is not known if I’ll be singing in the rain. But some sort of language event is expected. – Oct 29, 2017

Across our nation Associates are puzzling over their health insurance options for 2018. Most full timers now have Health Savings options in addition to the traditional Health Reimbursement options. Part timers live in a simpler world. Most have only the American standard You-Get-Sick-You-Die health care option. – Oct 27, 2017

How do you explain to a Millennial that “Is the bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?” means “Yes!”? – Oct 26, 2017

Corporate is coming into our store. Looking around. Planning changes. Hmmm. Change is good, our HR tells me. Really? New practices, new products, new groupings, new displays, new faces. Change is good. Or maybe not when you’ve been in the store ten years and you catch them looking at you, thoughtfully. – Oct 21, 2017

Throwback Thursday: One of my former coworkers used to say he was a fast worker when it counted and that’s just how he was. It was true. Not his fault he was born with lazy arms and lazy legs. God knows his eyes were quick enough when someone dropped a quarter or a girl came through in tights. No one ever said that man had lazy eyes. – Oct 19, 2017

Strawberry basil vodka was marked down in the grocery last week. Who orders this stuff? Bald-headed, middle-aged executives come into our store and wander around with notebooks. And I think, “Is that the guy who ordered the strawberry basil vodka?” – Oct 17, 2017

Someone is giving me that “Really???” look because I told the doctor I eat a lot of vegetables. Hey, cows eat grass. You are what you eat. Cows are vegetables. – Oct 17, 2017

I thought the manager said we were getting a Hannaford a go go. I offered to help put up the pole. But the manager just rolled his eyes and walked away. Whatever happened to encouraging initiative and volunteerism? Heck, I can put up a pole. – Sept 3, 2017

The monster in our White House is offended and strikes back against the helpless for saying the king has no clothes. And all the little monsters who elected him sit at home revering him with glowing eyes. The Democrats can’t win back those working-class whites who make up Trump’s base. They have separated themselves from humanity. – Sept 30, 2017

I was shocked to learn that our company does not have a specific action plan for a rocket attack on our store from N. Korea. A committee has been formed to develop one. In the interim, we will be going with the store’s Zombie Apocalypse Action Plan developed by our maintenance team in 2008: Run like hell and don’t look back. – Sept 25, 2017

Woke up early this Sunday morning with a Charlie horse and it’s my first day back at work after vacation. And the 6-person department we had at the store in February has shrunk to just 4. Only good point: Pretty sure none of my co-workers was raptured. – Sept 23, 2017

Yes! Yes! It’s all true. Trump is a “deranged dotard with fire.” Kim is a “madman.” Vera is watching Sharknado while I am reading the BBC. Which one is the news? Which one is fantasy? I can’t tell where I am! I need to become the next Dr. Who and travel through time. Damn! I can’t find a phone booth. – Sept 22, 2017

You’re between the credit card you closed and the replacement they are sending you. And Lord Culvert Canadian 1.75 liter is $5 off for the month. The decision is obvious. But that means you’ll need a strong mixer. If you find yourself in this situation, may I recommend Taste of Inspirations Sparkling Sicilian Lemonade. It’s a quick path to a carbonated whiskey sour, and you won’t even taste the Culvert! – Sept 22, 2017

Listening everyday to Sarah Mclachlan on the store Muzak, droning on and on that we are all born innocent. Excuse me. Anybody who believes that never had a little brother or sister. – Sept 14, 2017

Envision Vera & I in a new 2017 SUV of our dreams! Hundreds of unwanted new cars are reportedly on their way to Maine from temporarily closed dealerships in TX & FL. Most look wonderful after a simple wash, wax & blow dry, blow dry, blow dry. The best part: Equifax reports we were approved for three new car loans just last week! – Sept 13, 2017

Young ladies at the store talking about a party last week. Ultra light beer. Cupcake wine. Honey-flavored bourbon. Women have ruined drinking! – Sept 10, 2017

Looks like Hurricane Irma will miss Mar-a-Lago. Don’t tell me the devil doesn’t know his own. – Sept 9, 2017

Mar-a-Lago is located on the barrier islands north of Miami. Trump would never have bought it if he had consulted some Spanish speakers first. I hear it is Spanish for: “Kiss you club house goodbye!” – Sept 8, 2017

My dept. has been trying to hire someone for a month. Problem could soon be solved. Reverse migration! Hey, a few feet of snow? Not that bad! – Sept 8, 2017

Crappy day at the store yesterday. All our customers were suffering from dropsies. I think our store should adopt a motto I remember from souvenir shops: “Lovely to look at, delightful to hold, but if you break it, consider it SOLD! Aug 24, 2017

We didn’t get much of an eclipse up here in Maine. But Uncle Zeke says he was right in the thick of it. It got so dark and spooky that the night crew at his store woke up confused and came to work in the middle of the afternoon. Aug 23, 2017

I don’t know which is worse. Totally forgetting something you were supposed to do at work. Or remembering just before you clock out. – Aug. 3, 2017

“Why don’t you get cooking and make something better of your life?” To bake something better, I need a better batter. – July 25, 2017

My doctor says I have quite a trigger on my right hand. Thought that was pretty cool, until she explained it’s from an inflamed tendon sheath, and not because I’m top gun in Dodge. – July 18, 2017

“Come on, guys. Teamwork!” the supervisor says. But when you teamwork with a goldbrick, you end up doing all of your work plus all of his work that he doesn’t want to do. – July 15, 2017

July 7th. Today is my ten-year anniversary as an associate at the supermarket. Does that mean I can no longer describe it as a temporary job? – July 7, 2017

A manager is wondering why our associates can’t get more work done simply by moving faster. “A law of physics, Sir. No body can travel faster than the speed of light.” – June 23, 2017

Weird day at work yesterday. Felt like I was beamed up down a rabbit hole into some twilight zone twenty thousand leagues under the sea.  –  June 20, 2017

Our grocery was jammed with shoppers all day Friday. People! It’s not Christmas on Sunday, it’s just Father’s Day. Go to the hard liquor department. Find the section for the kind of spirits this guy drinks. Bourbon. Scotch. Whatever. Pull a bottle off the top shelf. Take it to the cashier. Buy it. And go spend time with dad! – June 17, 2017

“Dumb” once meant “mute.” Being unable to speak proved stupidity. Today it’s reversed. Being unable to stop speaking proves stupidity. – June 13, 2017

Listening everyday on the store Muzak to U2’s rich and famous Bono pining, at age 28, that he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. And here I am after rushing all the way from the registers to the backroom. And I can’t remember what I was looking for. – June 7, 2017

The older you get, the less you have to lose. I smell opportunity here! Instead of thinking Mother Teresa, think Betty White. –

I hate doing a sales floor sweep in the summer. It’s like being the street cleaner at the end of a poorly organized circus parade. – May 27, 2017

Went to a new doctor last week. She checked me over. Oh, I said, you didn’t notice I have a midline hernia. I showed her how the ridge bulges when I lie flat and then start to sit up. My two previous doctors warned me about it. She examined it. Hmm. I think you just have a split muscle. She examined it again. No, not a hernia. It shouldn’t be a problem. Crap! Two decades worrying about a hernia that doesn’t exist. – May 26, 2017

All my life people have been telling me I just need to find myself. OK. I finally have. Now what to do with me? – May 23, 2017

Will Rogers said he never met a man he didn’t like.
I feel the same way about cheeseburgers.
Will didn’t say he never met a woman he didn’t like.
I feel the same way about veggie burgers. – May 20, 2017

King Nebuchadnezzar gloried in greatness. God took his mind. He ate grass with the cattle. His hair & nails grew wild. Until he was humbled. – May 12, 2017

This question just came to me. How is it possible that my dad as a boy could gut & butcher a hog, but as an adult couldn’t change a diaper? – May 10, 2017

When I became a man, I put away childish things. Time now to take them all out again. – May 2, 2017

Our old van is at the Ford dealer being repaired. We got a 2017 Fusion as a loaner. The man says, “Look it over. When you’re ready to start it up, push the button on the dash.” Odd I thought. You usually pull the choke out to start. – April 3, 2017

Went to Goodwill with Vera & bought myself a purse. Took it home, got out pliers & took off some great chain mail. Action figure to follow! – March 21, 2017

If St. Patrick had really loved Ireland, he would have left the snakes alone and driven out the politicians. – March 17, 2017

Every day in the store we see those men who bring comfort to every wife’s heart: “Whew! Not my husband!” – March 14, 2017

Trump clarified his immigration rules. Not all Muslims are banned. Only those from poor countries. Poor Muslims can’t pay his greens fees. – March 6, 2017

Not sure. Could have been a dept. meeting today. Or could have been a group of bulls bellowing at each other in a pen. – Feb. 21, 2017

Bad cough. Bronchitis. Vera says Go to the doctor! Last time I went in for a virus, the PA says, “You have the flu. What do you want me to do about it?” $255 – Feb. 13, 2017

Bad mood day all around me at the store. So I’m listening to Muzak. “Take me home. To W. Virginia. Where I belong.” Yeah! No wait, I’m not from W. Virginia. – Feb. 9, 2017

Home sick. Feeling inadequate. When I worked at US steel a girder fell. Crushed a man’s head. His body still showed up for work the next day. His wife brought him. Said she kinda hated to do it, but baby needed shoes. – Feb 7, 2017

When Trump sends all the liberals in labor camps, Trump cultists will say, “He had to do it to make America great again.” Alt fact: “They went happily, singing.”

They wondered at work why I bring so much lunch and spend all my lunch time eating. Life is short, so all pleasures should be long. – Jan. 26, 2017

I saw a girl in a pink #anime outfit at an Asian buffet. She was an anime doll from her head to her toes. No plastic surgery, yet. Thank God. A world away from the good old Goths we all know. Even stranger. Then I thought, Wow! An anime/goth party would be a real trip!!! – Jan. 20, 2017

I saw customers struggling around a stack of three large floor cones at the store’s exit. I moved the cones & found one squished grape. – Jan. 19, 2017

Daybreak. Trump Towers. “The sun rose! I told America I would make things brighter!” – Jan. 15, 2017

Proposal: Connect a loud horn to all green lights so texting drivers can have some way to know the light has changed. Jan. 13, 2017

I don’t usually crow about my prowess at work, but I think my performance today has to be my best of the year. – Jan. 1, 2017

Would I openly carry a handgun in a public place? Would you show your cards while playing poker? – Nov. 23, 2016

Today I realized that as a native-born, white male I can safely stay in this country and live under the Trump regime. Good luck of bad? – Nov. 11, 2016

Again this year, the store can’t afford to give associates a free holiday turkey or ham. Not even a chicken. But good news: on Jan. 20th the whole country gets a fully stuffed bird. And it’s plump enough to overload our plates for the next 4 years! – Nov. 17, 2016

The 1 polyp found during my colonoscopy is normal colon tissue. A lifetime of bad eating did me no harm. Teriyaki jerky – I’m coming home! – Oct. 26, 2016

I hear that more dead people than living vote in US elections. Let’s move the date to All Souls Day, Nov 2, to encourage cross-over turnout. – Oct. 24, 2016

I bought some Lord Calvert Canadian. Trouble is, every time I talk about it, I find myself saying “Lord Culvert.” – Oct. 20, 2016

A tough couple weeks for the digestive system. Doctor says too much red meat. OK. Sign me up for New England grey corned beef. – Oct. 8, 2016

“Moonshine” is marked down. The fad is over. People wised up to paying decent bourbon prices for grain alcohol. May be some hope for the country. – Oct. 6, 2016

I asked Vera if she wanted a mixed drink. Yes, she said, I’ll have a Citrucel. Wild, wild life. – Sept. 27, 2016

Bad week for my tum. Today, the PA tells me a healthy stool should be the size and shape of a banana. So I go home and I eat a banana. – Sept. 27, 2016

Submarine movie. Captain surfaces his sub, climbs the vertical ladder through the conning tower and opens a hatch to climb up onto the small open bridge above. As he climbs through the hatch opening, a small amount of pooled water pours down from above the hatch. Shift to this afternoon’s downpour at its height. We are in a large flat-roofed store. A repair man hurries up the narrow stairs to the rooms above the backroom. He climbs up the vertical ladder that leads to a hatch that he unlocks and opens to get onto the roof. Lesson for the day: Much, much more water pools on the roof of a store than on the little bridge above a conning tower. – Sept. 1, 2016

Some people work through their breaks at the store. I always take mine. If I’m getting a break I know I’m not really in hell, no matter how it feels. No breaks in hell, and no lunch. The only water is 100% saturated with salt and pumped straight out of the Dead Sea. No, not in hell yet. – Aug. 31, 2016

People keep telling me, “It’s good you’ve got so much work to do. The day goes fast.” So why do my days off go even faster? – Aug. 30, 2016

I want my misspent youth back! I’d like to misspend it all over again, but in some different way. – Aug. 7, 2016

Poor rail service is better than a train wreck. Please vote for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party this fall. – July 29, 2016

Had ears tested: High tones — shot, Middle — poor, Low — OK. So I can’t hear what my managers scream at me. But if they growl, I’m good. – July 21, 2016

Someone at work wants to organize my department efficiently. But how do you get your ducks in a row when you are stuck with a brood of chickens? – June 18, 2016

I was the classic 95-pound weakling when I graduated from high school. Now people tell me, “You can’t be as strong as you were at 18!” – June 5, 2016

Protective dads: If you must bring your seven-year-old daughter into the men’s room, please check first that I am not at the urinal! – June 2, 2016

Tonight at work I realized all the things I can’t do anymore. Who am I? Then I remembered all my bad habits. Felt like myself again. – April 21, 2016

Home from work & feeling grateful to the night-soiled genius who invented the plunger. Without it — Oh my! – April 9, 2016

I went to the eye doctor today. He said that I have the start of cataracts. Just one of those things that happen with advanced age. But he was reassuring. “They can take ten years before they need surgery,” he said, “so you may never need to do anything.” What??? – June 23, 2015

Most of us cook ham or lasagna or lamb for Easter dinner. But what meat do the poor folks back home cook for the day after Easter?  Rabbit. – April 7, 2012

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