Archive for the ‘Whimsies’ Category

Little Thoughts: Heaven Was Very Nice

November 26, 2018

When I came back from lunch, one of my coworkers demanded to know where I had been for the last half hour. I told him I was raptured into heaven. But when I got there, God said, “Oh wait, this is the wrong Mike Smetzer.” So, I continued, “I had to come back to the store and work with you. But my half hour away in heaven was very nice.” Now my coworker won’t talk to me. All in all, a good day.

You Can’t Believe What Happened

May 29, 2018


You Can't Believe What Happened - photo by Vera Lisa Smetzer

You Can’t Believe What Happened – photo by Vera Lisa Smetzer


a) I wanted to see if I could use Granddad’s straight razor without having a strop to sharpen it. Apparently not.

b) Worst zit since high school. Could be flesh-eating bacteria!

c) Curling injury. I was sweeping so hard I lost my balance and poked myself with the end of the broom.

d) You should see the other side where the bullet came out!

e) I thought, I’ll just stand back and watch this bar fight. Then some guy throws wild and nails me with a bottle.


OK, I needed a prop to justify calling off work to go to the beach. Now I’m stuck with it.

How to be an Effective God

December 18, 2017

I woke up this morning and realized I no longer want to be a man. I want to be a god. I believe I could be the most effective god ever imagined.

It’s easy. Just give people a big ugly zit on the nose every time they tell a lie. Just that would turn humanity from a race of liars to a race of truth tellers. Not by appealing to moral virtue, which has never worked, but by appealing to vanity, which has never failed.

“Living the Dream”

July 3, 2017


Walked into the supermarket’s backroom last night. Found the night crew seated as a chamber ensemble and playing Handal. The store’s managers were dressed in costumes from 1776 and dancing a minuet among the pallets with the maintenance team. Happy as clams here in Maine! Living some sorta dream.


Detail from "Sunset" - Acrylic Painting on Wood by Mike Smetzer

Detail from “Sunset” – Acrylic Painting on Wood by Mike Smetzer

Methuselah and the Billy Goats

April 27, 2017

To the kids at work, I look like Methuselah. Not so! He died before I was born. But growing up I knew some old guys that remembered him well. They said if you lent Methuselah your billy goat for stud, you’d never get your billy back. Over his 969 years Methuselah managed to get the goat of almost every family in the Levant.

So much so, there were smiles of unspoken joy when he finally died. After his funeral, the neighbors got together, confronted his herdsmen, and demanded all their goats that were still alive. They slaughtered a few of them and had singing, dancing, and a feast of goat to celebrate.