Archive for the ‘Whatnots’ Category

Mike’s Tips for Tipplers

October 7, 2017

 

Lord Culvert Canadian’s 1.75 liter bottle is on sale again in Maine this month for $5 off. So here’s a simple idea every frugal tippler should try.

Get out your double shot glass and pour yourself a good one. Then you’ll need some Torani White Chocolate Sauce, available locally at Marden’s Surplus & Salvage for a very reasonable price. Add a long squirt of white chocolate sauce. Stir well. Delicious! Your Culvert will now have flavor and complexity you never believed possible.

And you can save big time by serving this home-made liqueur to the sweeties in your life. No more buying Baileys Irish Cream or Drambuie at rip-off prices! White Chocolate Culvert is just about the same thing. The classy guy will serve this drink after dinner.  Pour it into liqueur glasses and bring it in on a silver-plated tray from the kitchen.

Silver-plated trays are cheap and easy to find at Goodwill. Be sure to use intimate lighting so she won’t notice those spots where the base-metal shows through. The rest of the evening, my friend, is up to you.

Extra tip: You can make this liqueur as sweet and chocolaty as she likes!

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An Unsettling Day at the Store

September 15, 2017

An unsettling day at the store. I was making jokes like usual, but no one was smiling. Like when you are reminiscing to you wife about some really fun thing the two of you did years ago. But she gets quiet and seems to be listening too closely. And you think, oh wait, who was I with?

 

Mike's Truck Starting a Long Decline - photo by Vera Lisa Smetzer

Mike’s Truck Starting a Long Decline – photo by Vera Lisa Smetzer

My Endless Summer

August 7, 2017

Does anyone remember the 1966 movie The Endless Summer? Two surfers travel around the world, northern and southern hemispheres to surf the year round. What freedom! What hedonistic pleasure! Ah, the 60s.

Now the other day I was creeping a U-boat from produce to the backroom through tourists who either had no awareness there could be anyone else in the world or who looked at me with that “I’m not moving till I’m ready” glare. And, of course, answering questions: “Where in the hell did you put the bacon!?” “Uh, in the meat department.”

“This summer is endless,” I said to myself. Then it hit me. The Endless Summer. It’s a horror movie!

"Yes?" - photo of mountain goat by Bernie Smetzer

“Yes?” – photo by Bernie Smetzer

Monday at the Grocery

June 27, 2017

 

During my first break yesterday I got a phone call from a front end supervisor. I heard her say, “Can you come to the front? There is slime flowing around in the parking lot.” Sounded urgent so I advised her to page my partner who was working in the backroom. “What the hell,” I thought. “Could be a septic pumper with a leaky valve!” I hurried down at the end of my break and asked if my partner was still outside. “Yes,” she replied with great seriousness. I went into the parking lot to help. Couldn’t find my partner. Couldn’t find any slime.

I went out back and found my partner at work. “What was in the parking lot?” I asked, excitedly.  He looked puzzled. “It was just one of the yellow floor cone signs we set out in the fire lane. Someone knocked it over. The front end called for me to “take care of the sign that was rolling around in the parking lot.”

I suppose I could get a hearing aid, but life would be less interesting.

 

Detail from

Detail from “Sunset” – Acrylic Painting on Wood by Mike Smetzer

Jack & Jill Baby Shower

June 16, 2017

 

A friend at work went to a Jack & Jill baby shower at a park. His old drinking buddies were there sitting around looking lost with cans of soda in their hands. He said it felt really weird doing baby shower stuff and drinking sodas with his buddies. Sounds like hell, I said. Oh no it doesn’t, I thought. It sounds like what heaven will be like. No beer for eternity.

 

Philosophy of Abundance!

Philosophy of Abundance!

Zeke & Jezzy Buy Mother’s and Father’s Day Gifts

May 14, 2017

A couple days ago Uncle Ezekiel decided to give his wife Jezebella some sipping whisky for Mother’s Day. She don’t drink whisky, but Aunt Jezzy tells folks: “When old Zeke falls asleep early and stops badgering me, that’s the sweetest gift I ever get in life.” So he figured she’d be happy.

Today I got a phone call from Zeke. Aunt Jezzy had looked at the whisky awhile and then she’d looked at Zeke awhile. “Why thank you, Zeke.” Then she sat back in her chair. “You know, I’ve been thinking about what a wife can do for a husband like you. I think I’ve now decided what to give you for Father’s Day. It’s a brand-new, expensive suit.”

“Now Jezzy! I haven’t worn a suit but once in my life and that was when we got married. And I borrowed that one.”

“Well, you’ll need a suit to wear when they lay you to rest. And you can’t borrow it.”

“No, I guess not.”

“I’ve decided on the suit men wear in the Forest Service. I think you’ll be more comfortable in it.”

“What kind of suit do they wear in the Forest Service?”

“Fireproof.”

 

Copyright © 2017 by Michael B. Smetzer

A Present for Mother’s Day

May 11, 2017

Got an email from Uncle Ezekiel today. Zeke has figured out what to give his wife Jezebella for Mother’s Day. Some good George Dickel Tennessee whisky. No. 12. She don’t drink sipping whisky herself, but Aunt Jezzy tells folks: “When old Zeke falls asleep early and stops badgering me, that’s the sweetest gift I ever get in life.”