Little Thoughts

While I was sanitizing in the men’s room, a middle-aged man came out of the toilet and headed off into produce. I am happy to report that he came out wearing his mask. Would have been nice if he had also washed his hands. But I guess we all know now to wash our produce when we get it home. My advice: Keep washing after the pandemic is over. There are millions of these guys. – June 29, 2020
Rethinking politics. If Trump wins reelection, I will accept that we have entered the American Dark Ages and there is no real hope that things will get better in what is left of my lifetime. Civilizations have gone there many times before. Like the Dream Journey Painters of China and Japan, you must adapt to a time of darkness by creating order and light from inside your interior world. But for now I remain hopeful that the next four years will be a time of rebuilding the goodness in America that Trump and his followers have worked so hard to destroy. – June 23, 2020
The misrepresentation of facts by the Left is just as bad as misrepresentation by the Right. Do not lie. Do not exaggerate. Just post the truth.
If you pass on someone else’s lie, you are responsible for spreading lies. Don’t be a Trump. – June 14, 2020

Some points of contention fade away with time. Like that complaint about men leaving the toilet seat up. As men age we begin to enjoy every opportunity for a sit down. If we live long enough even the boldest youth becomes what German speakers call ein Sitzpinkler. – June 12, 2020

I haven’t had any conspiracy friends for years. Not since I told them Hillary was an illegal First Lady of Arkansas during Bill’s time as governor. She wasn’t born there. She wasn’t from the South at all! Hillary was an immigrant! From Chicago! The same state where Obama started his political career! After a few weeks they figured out I was only joking and they all unfriended me. – June 8, 2020

If you can’t see any difference between peaceful protest and riot, you do not belong on a police force or in politics. You should go home and start reading the words of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or Jesus. – June 3, 2020

The white South switched from being Wallace Democrats to being Republicans over race, long before Trump. That was how the South became a Republican stronghold. But Trump has in fact drawn all staunch racist to him. Casual racism, like dressing in black face as a joke, is everywhere. It is just insensitivity and not serious prejudice. It doesn’t effect how people vote or how people react to individuals of other races. It’s that laugh I get when I tell people in Portland that I went to school in Boone Grove. Or when they attribute my work habits to being German. – June 1, 2020

Our Mad King of Vulgaria says if Twitter fact-checks his lies, he is going to shut down all social media. I would like to take a moment to thank all you Republican Senators, except Mitt, for voting that Trump is not abusing his power as president. May this act of subservience be the one thing you are remembered for in American history. You have earned your place with Benedict Arnold in infamy. – May 27, 2020

Grew up in a fundamentalist church. I know what true believers look like – that angelic raptured smile. No matter what the faith. I know how they think, too. So do you if you’ve ever been around a parrot. – May 27, 2020

Went to the grocery. Finally realized how to know if I am going the right direction down the aisles. Without repeatedly looking for arrows on the floor. If everyone is coming at me, I’m right. – May 26, 2020

Every time we drive through Old Orchard Beach we see people acting as if that playground is in a bubble that Covid-19 can’t pierce. No social distancing outside the buildings and almost no masks. If you wonder why Maine had yesterday’s spike in virus cases, you need look no further than OOB and the people who go there.

If Americans had been willing to cooperate and care about others, we could all have gone back to our normal lives by now. But, no, we are a country infested with willful baby Trumps. And so this virus will drag on and on, and people will die.

Hope you holiday makers enjoy your Lisa’s Pizza as you chatter together on Grand Ave. If you get sick, just blame the Chinese.

– May 21, 2020

Nancy Pelosi is wrong to tell Donald Trump he should not take hydroxychloroquine. Clearly this is a matter to be decided by the Court of Poetic Justice. – May 19, 2020

Like most people from my generation, I have reached an age when I have little interest in the foolish ideas of others and only have time for my own. – May 17, 2020

The mass murder of mothers and their newborns in the maternity ward of an Afghan hospital. How can these attackers see themselves as Muslims when they so clearly act like nothing but Satanists?

Catholics also have murdered mothers with their children. So have Mormons, and Protestants, and Hindu, and Native Americans, and Jews, and Fascists, and Marxists and Buddhists. It is an aspect of tribal barbarism all true believers of any faith can come to. And often they slaughter the helpless, not with reluctance, but with ecstatic joy.

All our claims of loving others, all the Hallmark cards and best wishes we send, cannot hide the malignant evil in our human hearts.

– May 13, 2020

Well well, the president who didn’t want his people wearing masks has managed to turn the White House into a Coronavirus hot spot. Not to mention potentially infecting the oldest veterans he lined up behind him yesterday. All to preserve his public image and his delusion that the pandemic is just going to disappear. – May 9, 2020

American consumers have been totally spoiled since the rationing during WWII, which few are old enough to remember. They have come to expect that they can have everything they want the instant they want it. In that way, current restrictions are very good for our overblown and infantile egos. – May 3, 2020

The alliance between the Catholic hierarchy and the Republican Party makes sense. The Catholic church is much like Putin’s Russia. It is run by aloof oligarchs who elect from among themselves a dictator for life. It is very much like the government Trump wants to head in the the U.S. And, as with Trump, it is loyalty, obedience and secrecy that matter. Corruption and perversion are not acknowledged, until they cause problems. Then someone at the top makes a big speech. And the believers continue to believe. – April 30, 2020

Been planning to study lip reading to help overcome my hearing problems. Even lined up some online training resources. Then we went to the supermarket Friday. What was I thinking? – April 25, 2020

Donald Trump is exactly the idiot he seemed to be before the last presidential election. If you beat a big enough drum, half of the people will follow you just to hear the beats. – April 24, 2020

Mikey facts: The almond flavor in modern amaretto doesn’t come from almonds. It comes mostly from apricot pits and peach stones. There was a movement some years ago to produce the flavor artificially by adding potassium cyanide or sodium cyanide since cyanide also has an almond flavor, but that movement died out. – April 20, 2020

Oh come on. How can you expect people to stay six feet apart in a store? Half of them don’t even do that on the highway! – April 15, 2020

Remember back in early February when people first started hearing about the coronavirus on the Diamond Princess? People were sympathetic for those trapped on board and alarmed at their fate. But they were also a bit smug since they knew, by not vacationing on cruise ships, they’d avoided having to deal with all that shit. It was just kind of intriguing what was happening to people way out there in the Far East. – April 13, 2020

May the Easter bunny lay only chocolate eggs on the path where you walk. – April 12, 2020

Flatten cardboard, Dump trash. My job description echoes the Zen phrase “chop wood, carry water.” Twelve years now and counting. Still no enlightenment. – April 10, 2020

I have tried out more than a few theories about how to live a happy life. The worst of them were ridiculous. The best of them were also ridiculous. – April 9, 2020

Ran out of milk this morning and had to use French vanilla ice cream in our coffee. Life is hard. – April 7, 2020

Jesus vs. the Pharisees. The theology of every religion boils down to nothing more than a collected body of clerical self interest, factual error and mental confusion. People who live spiritually pay little attention to theology. They come to visit as they would come to watch a circus. – April 5, 2020

I was going to write a post about the worst mistakes I made in my life. Then I thought – No, still a work in progress. Better wait. – April 3, 2020

Throwback Thursday. One night many years ago in Kansas, I was sitting in a saloon near closing time. A girl on crutches hobbled up close to a guy at the bar. Looked like she had twisted her ankle. She told him, “My cat died in my apartment. I sure don’t want to go back there tonight.” I couldn’t see his face or hear how he replied. But it made me think she should really go home and do something with that dead cat. – April 2, 2020

Corvid-19 allows us to clearly see all the willfully stupid people among us. From partying college students on the beaches to self-righteous Evangelicals in their megachurches. To scheming politicians in their offices thinking only of personal gain and their chances for reelection. – March 30, 2020

Went to the little freezer in our fridge to see what meat we had left to cook. Not much. Probably couldn’t find much more at the grocery during this panic. And I’m not up for the frustration anyway. It made me remember my parents’ freezer at home. It always had rabbits or squirrels or something in there that Dad had shot. One time he set his sights on a young woodchuck, another time he brought home a snapping turtle. Dad was a good hunter.
Not so good a cook. When Dad cooked squirrels or rabbits, he put salt and pepper on them, wrapped them in aluminum foil and tossed them in the oven. When Mom cooked squirrels she browned them in a frying pan, then baked them in a roasting pan. Dad’s squirrels were edible. Mom’s were delicious. I like good vitals.
Right now I’m hungry, so I’m rummaging through the fridge. Oh, tofu. We still have tofu and the epidemic is nowhere near its peak.
Well, Rocker Man, I think it’s gonna be a long, long time.
– March 29, 2020

Throwback Thursday: Dad was from northeastern Indiana, German immigrant country. Mom’s folks moved into the southern Indiana hills from Appalachia. Mom’s granddad mined coal on his farm in the winter. Tunnels and shafts running all over the place. But then they decided you couldn’t sell soft coal anymore. In the 1950’s the state flooded his old farm to build a large recreational reservoir. Speed boats, water skiing. To their surprise it never did hold water like they planned. “Where’s all that water going?” they asked. A sad waste of their money and effort. Maybe it was karma. They shouldn’t take people’s farms for marinas. – March 26, 2020

Unfortunately stupidity is not a pandemic. It is the natural human state. It has been ever since the first two humans chased each other too far out on a limb, slipped, and fell out of the tree of life like a couple of overripe apples. – March 26, 2020

I used to say that only moral perverts and world-class fools still supported Donald Trump. Now, so much of his character has been laid bare that only the moral perverts remain. To be a world-class fool today you have to be poor or middle class and still support the Republican Party. – March 24, 2020

Reread Poe’s short story “The Masque of the Red Death” and imagined it rewritten for today. With Trump and his faithful henchmen walled into Mar-a-Lago to wait out the epidemic in luxury, and celebrate his pending reelection.

Be careful, folks! Never let a stranger into your house unless he is wearing a mask! – Mar 22, 2020

Shopping at our store has become simple. You have one choice. You either grab it before the person standing next to you, or you don’t. – March 20, 2020

Last week I had a vision that St. Patrick would return to earth on his special day and drive all the snakes out of our nation’s capital. Well, his day has come and gone. No St. Pat. And Washington still full of snakes. – March 19, 2020

Yesterday a store I go to closed its seating area for customers. Today I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sign on the door: No loitering! Keep moving! – March 19, 2020

Biden is not exciting for anyone, but he is sane, competent, and generally well meaning. That is what we have to have to stabilize our government. If he picks a more exciting person as VP, his administration will feel like the beginning of real progress. – March 18, 2020

OK, medical masks may not help much if you are avoiding Corvid-19, but they are a true blessing for those of us dodging face-recognition software. – March 15, 2020

“UK over-70s to be asked to self-isolate for an extended period, health secretary says” – BBC. Can’t do that here. Who would work our jobs at the grocery? – March 15, 2020

Some stores claim they tell their sick employees to stay home, but more often the truth is, if employees call out sick more than a few times in six months, they are written up for “excessive absences,” given a step toward termination, and threatened that if they call out sick again, they will be fired. So if you see a sick worker, please don’t assume they are there by choice. – March 14, 2020

Well, Super Tuesday has come and gone and here we are looking at three old men running for President that many of us never wanted to see jousting for that office again. The only good thing is that at least they are three totally different choices. Not new but definitely different. – March 5, 2020

Bernie Sanders bills himself as the dragon slayer for the alt left. I find it very hard to believe self-proclaimed heroes. The rubber sword doesn’t help. – March 4, 2020

I went around the grocery yesterday, asking what the our plan is for a local outbreak of coronavirus. No one seems to know. One especially knowledgeable person told me he really couldn’t say, but later I heard him singing to himself:

“Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be”

So I still don’t know if they have a plan, but I guess they have a theme song. Either that or management plans to hold up and watch Doris Day movies. – Feb 27, 2020

Bernie Sanders says of Fidel Castro: “It’s unfair to simply say everything is bad” with the way the late despot ruled the country. This current statement about Castro is absolutely true, but, of course, it was attacked by political fundamentalists of the left and the right. Fundamentalist see everything and everyone in black and white. We are all like ink drawings with no shading allowed.
It is Bernie’s history of comments on Castro that is the real problem. Whatever he is now, and frankly I am not sure what that is, he was a naive socialist in the past. He apparently did visit Cuba in 1989 and come back praising Castro’s revolution.
It is a damn good thing this came up now. This is exactly why the Russians want him to be nominated. They have no doubt already tooled up their bots to attack Sanders after his Democratic nomination on his respect for Castro. This is their key to getting Trump reelected. – Feb 24, 2020

Bernie Sanders is not my first choice for president because his grand promises (Medicare for all, free college) sound like the pitches of a snake oil salesman. He says what his base wants to hear. Too much like what we have now, just on the left instead of the right. I also find Bernie’s Bros to be as rigid and intolerant as Trump’s nationalist. I will vote for Bernie if he wins the Democratic nomination. Politics is usually about the lesser of two evils. But at present I would prefer Elizabeth Warren. – Feb 22, 2020

Last night I went into the men’s room and found an open, almost empty Fireball nip bottle sitting on top of a urinal. I could smell the cinnamon. The urinal area never smelled better. Wow! what a great room deodorizer, I thought. First use I’ve ever found for flavored whisky. – Feb 1, 2020

It used to make me laugh when Republicans trumpeted that they were the Party of Lincoln. I hear that very little these days. I think they find Lincoln an embarrassment in wooing their Trump supporters. – Jan. 31, 2020

All devotion to religious or political doctrine is devotion to evil. Only devotion to the spiritual beings living everywhere around and inside you is devotion to good. Jan 27, 2020

Happy Chinese New Year! And a special New Year to all Metal Rats from an old Wood Rat in Maine. – Jan 25, 2020

First rule of the blue-collar workplace: From the wretch to whom the least is given the most shall be expected. Ask the new part-timer without benefits cleaning grease in the deli or the bottom-level manager trying to run the supermarket alone on the night of a full moon. – Jan 24, 2020

Instead of getting wiser with age, it looks like I am still making the same kinds of mistakes I made in my youth. The only difference is that now they are bracketed by naps. – Jan 21, 2020It’s like I explained to my manager during the grocery’s storm surge yesterday. Just because you find yourself on the hot side of purgatory that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to have you some fun. – Jan 19, 2020Just Hours Before the “BIG” Snow. Frustrated, abusive mobs in the grocery all day. ‘Twas like the day before Christmas, without the sound track. – Jan 18, 2020

Most Republicans in Congress are no longer elephants. They have become a team of draft horses in blinders. – Jan 17, 2020

Today Donald Trump lost his battle against impeachment but still consummated the greatest deal of his career. He used his fanatical political base and the lure of political power to buy the soul of the entire Republican Party.
Lincoln would puke. Eisenhower would puke. McCain would puke. But they all lived very long ago in some alt reality of our present world. A time when Republicans could actually support minorities and criticize their leader without being hounded out of office by his mob. – Dec 18, 2019

More “good” news. Doc says aortic stenosis can be mild, moderate, or severe. Mine is only moderate so we don’t need to do anything for now. But the condition is progressive.  Eventually, he says, it will get worse and I’ll need surgery to replace the heart valve, if I live that long. Wow, that’s pretty much what my eye doctor said about my cataracts: “Cataracts can take 10 years to develop, so we may never need to do anything.” Is there an expiration date stamped somewhere on my backside? – Dec 18, 2019

Just home from a day at work re-cleaning stuff we cleaned last week. And thinking: You can wash a little piggy up all sweet and you can tied blue bow on him. But as soon as you let him go, he’s heading for the nearest puddle to wallow. Because: He’s a pig! – Dec 15, 2019

Trump’s departure from the White House would be the best news for American democracy since Cornwallis’s surrender at Yorktown. Unfortunately Republicans are true Tories, loyal to their king instead of their country. – Dec 13, 2019

With a nod to those great beach-party philosophers Mungo Jerry: I love everyone but I say what I please.

“Life’s for living, yeah, that’s our philosophy
“Sing along with us Dee dee dee dee dee
Dah dah dah dah dah
Yeah we’re hap, happy
Dah dah dah . . . ” – Dec 11, 2019

Just read that Ford is planning to make some of its auto parts from the coffee chaff that comes off during roasting. We used to have to buy things before the glass in them was replaced by cheaper plastic. Now you have to buy auto parts before the cheap plastic in them is replaced by previously discarded coffee chaff! – Dec 4, 2019

Sunday, as I waited to check the ladies’ restroom, I witnessed a reenactment of the miracle of the loaves & fishes. One lady went in, two came out. Two ladies went in and a group of four came out. More ladies came out than went in over and over. And every time I knocked at the door, someone was still inside.

“Good Lord,” I asked, “why have you visited upon me this miraculous abundance of ladies?” Then a voice spoke from above, paging me to the backroom to make a bale. – Dec 2, 2019

Ever notice how stores like to hire older associates for maintenance. That’s because managers know that the old guys they hire are likely to go to the restroom every hour to pee. Put them in maintenance, they reason, and get some work out of them while they are there. – Nov 22, 2019

Republicans who believe in the rule of law, personal morality, and financial responsibility need not worry about leaving Trump’s Republican Party. The “Grand Old Party” has broken down its camp and set up new tents in a very different country. Their party has already left them. – Nov 21, 2019

Got hearing aids in September so I could hear people better. Now I’m still struggling to adjust to their quirks and to all the distracting sounds around me. Monday I turned them off and put on ear protection while I ran the baler. Then I noticed how nice and quiet it was while I was loading. I could have saved over $3000 by buying a headset and just asking people to shout! Did I zig when I should have zagged?

Trump is like a large hooked shark flip-flopping inside a small fishing boat. The Republican senators are there, watching and wringing their hands. But they aren’t brave enough to club him. They are afraid of getting knocked down and spoiling their suits in the blood and salt water. – Nov 15, 2019
Disappointing visit to the audiologist this week. Apparently the hearing aids I bought cannot be programmed to signal me when I have forgotten to put them in. – Nov 14, 2019

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Republican Party. – Nov 13, 2019

The list of Trump’s misdeeds seems endless, beginning with openly wanting to subvert our democracy and turn it into a Putin-style autocracy. Yet not one House Republican has the balls to oppose him. Since John McCain died, the Republican Party at all levels has become a party of steers. Our country has never been weaker than under Trump. – Oct 31, 2019

“Salad days” used to mean a person’s youth, when they are still fresh and tender like spring vegetables that can be enjoyed without cooking. Now I watch old guys line up at the salad bar in the deli. Salad days. – Oct 25, 2019

I come in to work still tired from yesterday, our busiest day in a month. The boss sees me and wants to know if I’m “LOCKED & LOADED!” “YES, SIR, BOSS!” I respond. No need to add “with .22 shorts.” – Oct 24, 2019

The president of the United States has crumbled to little pieces before the power of Turkey’s President Erdogan. Not because America is weak. But because our President Trump is so willfully ignorant and awestruck that he can be kicked aside like a peanut by any ruthless autocrat that comes along. – Oct 16, 2019

Winnie-the-Pooh was a bear of very little brain and so might not have understood Trump’s politics. But Pooh would have felt Trump’s cruelty better than many Americans. Because Pooh had a big heart. – Oct 13, 2019

I first went around pricing hearing aids three years before I had the money to buy them. One place I went to was a very friendly business staffed by hearing aid practitioners. After my visit they started calling, regularly, to see if I was ready yet and with helpful offers that could save me money. I told them I had decided to go to an audiologist. No problem they said. Just bring in the audiogram and they could fix me right up.

I didn’t want to be rude. They were really nice people. But it was getting old. So next time they called I thanked them and then explained that I needed a medical professional to provide my hearing aids because I wanted the receivers installed inside my new horn implants. – Oct 13, 2019

Seventy years of linguistic practice and I still can’t understand the Girlish language. – Oct 9, 2019

The Trump administration has got to be the longest slow-moving train wreck in history. The accident report will show the warning signals were working and plainly visible for the entire time. – Oct. 8, 2019

Those who lived the Summer of Love and the Age of Aquarius remember the 1960’s as a fleeting but magical moment in time that has somehow animated all positive creativity and social change since. Those born after 1967 know it as some old sound tracks that play over and over in the grocery. – Sept 29, 2019
I thought my ears had suddenly gone from bad to worse, but the audiologist said no. Only a little worse than three years ago. The real cause for my increased problems with word recognition was auditory brain rot. The result of many years of reduced stimulation to the auditory areas of the brain. Bottom line: Get hearing aids now or say hello to my new life as a fence post. – Sept 28, 2019

Opposing both the alt-right and the alt-left does not make a person a centrist. It makes a person centered. – Sept 27, 2019

A company I know keeps starting expensive but silly initiatives, then pulling the plug on them and heading off in another direction. One of the associates tells me “just have to go with the flow.” Excuse me. Looks more like a rush with the flush. – Sept 25, 2019

I see more calls now for impeaching Kavanaugh. I wish. But really. How can you successfully impeach any Republican while the Republicans control the Senate? Ignoring this political reality just makes the Democrats look foolish and ineffectual. It is a Children’s Crusade.

I doubt there is any moral or legal line that Trump or Kavanaugh could cross that would make Trump’s core of Republican voters turn against them. And Republican senators need Trump voters for their political survival. Only fear of losing those core voters could make Republican Senators give up either the Trump presidency or control of the Supreme Court. Right now that fear is making them stay with Trump. Self interest, not public service, is the name of the game.
The code of ethics for American politics today was written centuries ago, by Machiavelli. – Sept 19, 2019

Why does every doctor I go to seem to think he knows more about medicine than I do? – Sept 17, 2019

Trump is locked and loaded, and his brain has a hair trigger. What an extraordinary time to have a president who doesn’t care about truth. And who lives and acts in his own made-for-TV fantasy. – Sept 15, 2019

I lost the upper tones in my left ear as a small child during the Truman presidency. This week I got my first hearing aids. Did I just set a record for hearing aid procrastination? – Sept 12, 2019

The world does not need more true believers or martyrs for any ideology. The world needs more humanitarians. – Sept 11, 2019

Got my first hearing aids today. I’ve had hearing impairment in one ear since before I can remember. Now both ears are equally bad. So I thought Hey! Now I’ll not only be able to hear things I haven’t heard clearly in twenty years, I’ll be able to hear things I’ve never heard with my left ear. I’ll be able to hear what stereo is supposed to sound like. And I’ll be able to hear the lyrics I’ve been guessing at in the music from my youth. Went home and got “Louie Louie” by the Kingsmen up on YouTube. Damn! Still can’t understand what he’s singing. But I can sure hear my keyboard clacking and my chair squeak. – Sept 10, 2019

No one cares what most of us think or feel and no army of followers promote our posts. Doesn’t mean we ought to shut up. – Sept 9, 2019

Boris Johnson called David Cameron a “girly swot” and Jeremy Corbyn a “big girl’s blouse.” I don’t know. Has Boris been reading Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old tweets? If so, it’s like Boris is giving people the finger while holding a cup of milky tea. Personally I’d rather have a girly swot in our White House right now. Heck, I’d rather have Judge Judy in our White House right now. – Sept 6, 2019

Finally doing it. Getting my first hearing aids. Went to an establishment down on Commercial Street that’s been selling hearing aids in southern Maine since 1924. Saved a bundle by buying an older model. I’ve already warned the boss that it will slow me down at the grocery. I have to hold the little part to my ear while I point the larger end of the trumpet toward the person I’m talking to. And I’m getting aids for both ears! – Sept 4, 2019

“The doctors were coming out of the operating rooms. There were hundreds and hundreds of people all over the floor. You couldn’t even walk on it.” Trump lives in a fantasy world from which he controls real people’s lives. And it is a dark fantasy. With many possible endings. None of them happy or bright. – Aug 24, 2019

What happened today? Trump apparently kicked over a chamber pot in his brain and a messiah came out. – Aug 21, 2019

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not NRA. But often, as I approach public urinals, I find myself considering marksmanship training for all American males. – Aug 14, 2019
Trump’s idea that the Clinton family had Epstein killed apparently originated with Trump mistaking a joke post by comedian Terrence K Williams for a serious suggestion.
“He’s a very highly respected conservative pundit.” Trump said of Williams, “He’s a big Trump fan. And that was a retweet. That wasn’t from me… So I think I was fine.”
Of course you’re fine. You’re just a reality star. You don’t know better. Putin only helped you become president to have a good laugh at America. – Aug 13, 2019

It is not good to speak ill of people behind their backs. But it is safer and it is more satisfying than silence. – Aug 2, 2019

Didn’t think my hands were any different. Then I read about the correlation between hand size and the length of the male member. Got to looking at my hands. “God! These things are huge!” Had to move up from medium to extra-large gloves at work. – July 29, 2019

Today’s Tip: If you need to get to the back of the grocery quickly during the 5 o’clock rush, try the baking aisle. It’s often empty. The customers who shop that aisle are home making supper. – July 27, 2019

Think your kid is too trusting with strangers? Just get them a job in retail. Won’t take them long to realize there is a special type of asshole who reads your name tag, then comes up talking at you like they’re an old friend. – July 23, 2019

Important merchandising rule: whenever a product is out of stock you move another product into its space so the store looks full and you have a chance to sell something else from its space. Today, in the middle of summer, we got no fresh corn from the warehouse. This left a large empty space in produce. Someone decided to fill some of it with the steamers we sell to cook the corn we didn’t have. Who makes these rules? We didn’t sell even one corn steamer! – July 21, 2019

When the Italian resistance finally caught Mussolini and other escaping Fascists, they shot them and hanged them upside down from the roof of an Esso gas station. Don’t let violence and hate escalate any further in the USA. Impeach Trump now while we still have legal options. – July 18, 2019

At this point, Donald Trump has only two kinds of people backing him – moral perverts and world-class fools. Unfortunately the earth produces both species in great abundance. – July 15, 2019

Calling a department meeting for maintenance is like rubbing a cigarette out on a keg of gunpowder. It won’t explode every time. Not even most of the time. But why would you take the chance? – July 14, 2019

Donald Trump promised to drain the swamp. He just didn’t tell us he was bringing in the dozers to make it wider and deeper. Biggest, most amazing swamp expansion in history. – July 12, 2019

No one expects you to have a clue about anything after you turn 70. Just go with it. – July 8, 2019

A year ago a couple of the guys at the store got hearing aids so they could hear what all the people around them were saying. After about a month, they both stopped wearing them. – July 4, 2019

When all you can afford is a Ford, you buy a Ford. – June 13, 2019

If the pigpen is not fit for a picnic, that doesn’t mean the farm hands are lazy slobs. It’s because the pen is full of pigs. – June 7, 2019

Yes, boss, I do talk to myself. But it doesn’t waste any time if I’m not listening. – June 4, 2019

Watching those old horror movies was worthwhile after all. Showed me how to mummy walk my U-boat through the store on a Memorial Day weekend in Maine. – May 26, 2019

“Irving Acres Potatoes” the sign on the bin says. Every time I imagine an Irving Oil tank farm up in The County with potato fields running between and around the tanks. And then the stories of farmers killing potato vines with gasoline before harvesting. – May 19, 2019

When a guy says rude things followed by “just kiddin’,” that implies he doesn’t really mean it. But, of course, you know he does. ‘Just kiddin'” is a dangerous game. I knew a writer in Kansas who read his audience a funny little poem about him pissing in the sink. It went over big and we all joked about it for weeks. But no literary journal would touch it. And some people stopped inviting him to their homes. – May 7, 2019

When I was a little boy, one of my older sister’s friends explained to me why men and women are made different. She said God first made Adam. He was like my dad. After studying on him awhile, God thought, “Shit. I can do better than that.” Then God went to work and made Eve. – April 30, 2019

Clacking instead of clicking all day. – April 29, 2019

Tip for consumers: If you bust a container of sour cream, we really appreciate your setting the dripping remains back on top of the other containers. Thank you. – April 17, 2019

“Did you invest your money in durable goods?” . . . “No, Sir, we bought a Ford.” – April 16, 2019


Magical weekend. Every time I took a U-boat of cardboard to the baler in the back room and then returned it, another U-boat was waiting. And when I took that back, a U-boat from the meat dept. was waiting. Made me think of the bible story of Jesus feeding the multitude with five loaves and two fishes. No wait, more like one of the ten plagues of Egypt. – April 7, 2019

The store didn’t have no-wax floors in the liquor dept. before the big gin spill tonight. Does now. – April 5, 2019

Never talk politics or religion with a true believer. Just say something simple and obvious and totally unimportant in a loud voice and move on. “Cold enough for ya?” – April 3, 2019

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. . . . unless you’re a millipede. – March 27, 2019

Some people you can joke with, some you can’t. Still, I am amazed at people who pretend my jokes are boring. – March 24, 2019

Even the best comfort dog is gonna do what a dog has to do. – March 18, 2019

Walked into the public men’s room at the store. Someone had run the toweling out of the machine using a series of little tugs so it wouldn’t cut off, draped it gracefully in front of the diaper changing table, and planted the end in the bowl of the urinal. Made me remember Christo and Jeanne-Claude wrapping buildings and bridges in the 1960s and 70s. What to think? Vandalism or art happening? – March 14, 2019

Watching the news today and thinking. All humans become monstrous at times, but that does not make them monsters. It makes them human. – March 11, 2019

Scratch away the smug veneer of most self-made geniuses, and you’ll find a trust-fund baby. – March 8, 2019

Consensus today at work. Mike’s salt & pepper beard has morphed into salt & sugar. – March 4, 2019

Really? No one could foresee any problem in assigning a vegan to run the roast beef slicer? – March 3, 2019

I cleaned all the bakery and then all the deli trash cans at work yesterday. One of the guys wondered why I didn’t start with the deli since their cans were much worse.

What if I had? Then half way through the job I was raptured into heaven. I’d find myself facing God all covered with smelly deli crap. “God damn!” I say, “I should have started with the bakery and avoided getting this fucking shit all over me!” God would have given me a look and, just like that, I’d find myself back down on earth, cleaning trash cans again with the rest of the damned.

Always do the easy part first. Don’t blow your ticket to heaven. – Feb 23, 2019

A manager can yell at you, but you can’t yell at a manager. Speak softly and learn how to squeak. – Feb 21, 2019

Noticed Monday that someone had set up a Valentine’s Day shipper in front of the baby food. Yeah, I guess I can see the connection. But someone sure knows how to kill off that special moment. – Feb 13, 2019

Working in the store today answering pages and wishing I could be a good man, because then I would be hard to find. – Jan 18, 2019

Bluegrass curse: May your upstairs neighbors all be cloggers. May your children all be cloggers. May your dreams be only of cloggers. – Nov 30, 2018

When I came back from lunch, one of my coworkers demanded to know where I had been for the last half hour. I told him I was raptured into heaven. But when I got there, God said, “Oh wait, this is the wrong Mike Smetzer.” So, I continued, “I had to come back to the store and work with you. But my half hour away in heaven was very nice.” Now my coworker won’t talk to me. All in all, a good day. – Nov 26, 2018

I am amazed that so many trust fund babies grow up to brag about how they have gotten where they are through intelligent planning. It’s true, just not through their intelligent planning. – Nov 24, 2018

Been thinking about a conversation I had with one of my older friends who still likes to hunt. It seems to me. If you shoot a little deer that dresses out at well under 100 lbs and you name it “Bambi” as a joke, you really can’t complain when your wife says, “Cook it yourself!” – Nov 23, 2018

Being a Man. Sometimes a man just has to do what the wife wants him to do. – Nov 21, 2018

Decided I need to start a diet the day after Thanksgiving. Why am I hungry already? – Nov 20, 2018

Walking into the back room of our store the Sunday morning before Thanksgiving was like walking into an angry hornets’ nest of activity. Except hornets in the same nest don’t sting each other. – Nov 19, 2018

Talked to a Conscientious Non-Objector at the store. He doesn’t like how our government is going, but he never votes. Said he feels really bad about it. Nov 17, 2018

Trump appoints Matthew Whitaker Acting Attorney General. Now is not the time to panic. But that time is almost here. – Nov 10, 2018

A certain store we know had a remodeling last summer. During the first phase a crew arrived with a cherry picker. The building had a dark maroon strip running along the front under the roof. They spent two days painting it red. During the second phase of the remodeling the crew came back. They spent two days repainting the strip dark maroon. Looks nice. Always did. – Nov 9, 2018

Our store has posted a notice on the doors. They have job openings, full and part-time, in all departments at all their locations. Great for our job security. But I feel sorta like I do when I stop at a restaurant and see a notice: “Cooks Wanted – All Shifts.” – Nov 7, 2018

Middle finger of my left hand is sore. Doctor says it’s from overuse. Guess I’d better keep it inside the car window. – Nov 2, 2018

A woman making a point about marriage asked me, “Who has to sleep on the wet spot in your bed?”  I thought about that for a moment. “Whoever is using the ice pack.” – Oct 31, 2018

Something strange occurred to me. I remember when my dad died he was a very old man of 69, much mellowed from his younger self and at times given to really daft ideas. But now I am in my seventies, I discover that I am only in very late middle age. And I never had so many original thoughts. – Oct 27, 2018

Throwback Thursday. We had a security door to the main computer room at a company where I worked. You had to enter a four-number code to unlock it. The code was 1-2-3-4. Then there was an unrelated security breach and customer info was stolen. Word came down from the main office that all the sites had to change their locks to a five-number code for greater security. After that the code was 1-2-3-4-5. – Oct 25, 2018

In the Book of Joshua, Chapter 10, it is recorded that God froze the sun in its course so the Israelites could complete their slaughter of the Amorites. Yesterday afternoon at the grocery He froze time again so our Saturday shoppers could complete our destruction. – Oct 7, 2018

Went to the men’s room at a Chinese restaurant and noticed a pair of salad tongs hanging over the trap of the drainpipe under one of the sinks. I’m sure they work, but NO, NO, NO. Just NO. And no more kitchen utensils from Goodwill! – Oct 2, 2018

When they made one of our crew the supervisor of maintenance, I told him he would be a straw boss. Not being from coal country, he had never heard the term. I had to explain. In the old days, the miners kept a canary in the coal mines because they are more sensitive to gas than humans. When the canary died, the miners evacuated. The straw boss was the guy the real boss sent back down to test for high levels of carbon monoxide. The 25¢ an hour they gave our guy to become our straw boss is a sweet little extra. As long as the canary sings. – Sept 30, 2018

Fresh sweet corn? Yes, mam, we will be getting more, in April.  – Sept 29, 2018

Dawn of the Creeping Dead: Went out for a pleasant drive. Got caught in a line of Zombie drivers. Can people save money buying cars without gas pedals? I did learn one thing. With an apparently dead person in the driver’s seat, most cars will still idle along on their own at about 10 mph. – Sept 23, 2018

People should not wear Zombie T-shirts when they look like it might be true. – Sept 19, 2018

Came into work yesterday. The first two managers I saw had expressions on their faces sorta like a stink bug smells. All you can do is look busy and lie low. – Sept 18, 2018

I was in the store today during a heavy thunderstorm. A woman came in from the downpour with a little dog wrapped up in a basket. She lifted the dog out and carried it into the ladies’ room. I guess if you find pee on the seat in the ladies’, you can no longer just assume some little kid did it. – Sept 6, 2018

OK. I get it. No one should make assumptions about people based on their outward appearance. But if I choose to wear lederhosen and a Bavarian hat, can I justly complain when someone assumes I’m “German”? Sept 4, 2018

Throwback Thursday. Usually people tell me, “I can’t believe how you think!” But Coach Grieger in high school used to say, “I can’t believe how you don’t think!” – Aug 30, 2018

Vera and I just got home and found a message on our old answering machine. We listened to it. “Who’s Lingus Ching?” I asked her. “Not Lingus Ching! It was someone calling for Angus King.” Guess we need a new answering machine. – Aug 27, 2018

Every Sunday morning the evangelists insist that God’s mind is sublime beyond human understanding. And they know exactly what He wants us to do. – Aug 26, 2018

Harry Potter wearing a cloak of invisibility walks up to an automatic door at a supermarket. What happens? – Aug 24, 2018

Throwback Thursday: We had a manager who spied on associates like some hell-obsessed priest trying to catch the altar boys jerking off. He’d watch them on security cameras. He’d peek at them from around corners. Some associates started calling him “Peek-a-boo” after an old Devo song: “Peek-a-boo! I know what you do. Peek-a-boo!” – Aug 23, 2018

I walked into the men’s room at work. An overwhelming smell. No, not that smell. An aroma I encountered in the early 70’s. No, not that smell either. A rough & heavy sandalwood cologne. Is this stuff coming back? The aroma was still lingering when I left for the night. – Aug 21, 2018

All Saturday afternoon and evening at the grocery during Maine’s coastal tourist season. This must be how a deer feels when it jumps a fence and finds itself frantically dodging traffic on a freeway. – Aug 18, 2018

When a manager at work calls an associate into his office for a discussion, the conversation is never one sided. The manager always gives the associate ample opportunity to agree with him. – Aug 14, 2018

It’s like we tell the new hires in maintenance. Sure, cleaning the public toilets is nasty work, but, most days, it’s no worse than field dressing a moose. – Aug 2, 2018

For a practical joker, going to heaven could be an unhappy ending. Must be damn hard to pull the leg of an all-knowing God. – July 16, 2018

The Irish have Guinness. The Dutch have Heineken. And the Americans have Bud. How come there is no well-known Scottish beer? The Scots don’t waste time on chasers. – July 12, 2018

I was down at the seafood department watching the hungry lobster crawl over each other in their new circular tank. Sam came out and pulled one for an order. Then I realized. Condemned lobster don’t get a last meal. They don’t even get a first meal! – July 10, 2018

This morning I want a superpower. A superpower no one knows about. I could strut around with the power. But no one would expect me to do anything. No one would know I have it. Yeah, a secret superpower. – July 9, 2018

We had Maine red hot dogs at the store as a 4th of July treat. These dogs come in thick dyed-red casings so tough you have to rip them apart with your hands pulling against your teeth. When you chew the part you have torn off, the meat squishes out the open end and you are left with the insoluble casing that you can either swallow whole or spit out.

One of the girls looked over at me in the break room. “It’s like chewing a stuffed balloon!” she said.
Actually she didn’t say balloon, but I blush at a more exact quotation. – July 7, 2018

I assured my doctor, “I only have one drink at a sitting.” Of course, as I get older, I have to sit down a lot. – July 2, 2018

Rained all day Thursday. I was paged to dairy for a ceiling leak. Found a puddle of egg white on the floor. Looked up at the ceiling. Wondered. Was this the biblical manna from heaven that fed the Children of Israel in the desert? – June 30, 2018

What Civil War Admiral David Farragut was thought to have said as his fleet entered Mobile Bay on August 5, 1864: “Damn the torpedoes, Full speed ahead!”

What the admiral actually said: “Damn those mosquitoes. Full speed ahead!” – June 21, 2018

It’s getting harder to find workers for our part-time jobs. The other night I dreamed the store hired a guy just out on parole for the night crew. Sullen. Spiteful. That kind of guy. After he blew up and walked out, the receiver came in to find the entire egg load crushed in the baler. Glad our real crew is mellow as Mr. Rogers. – June 2, 2018

I’m not a grammar freak but there is indeed a difference between being born to be hung and being born to be hanged. – May 31, 2018

A young guy at work was scheduled to work 8 hours in one dept. followed by 4 hours in another. The store attitude was, “You’re young, you can do it.” I don’t hear that anymore. That’s one age change that works just fine. – May 27, 2018

I remember what a woodchuck spirit animal told me back in the sixties. “You see those people hurrying by? Only thing comes from burning your joints at both ends is lip blisters.” There’s some real wisdom in that. – May 26, 2018

A couple days ago I was in the backroom of the supermarket when the truck from the rendering plant pulled up. Lord, what a smell! The driver ambles in to pick up our meat waste. Poor guy smells like his truck and that smell moves with him right down the hall. The meat guys were more than ready to get rid of the rotten crap that had been sitting in their barrels for a week. But no one came over to chat. That’s the aura of a rendering truck driver. People are always relieved to see you come, always more than happy to see you go. – May 24, 2018

Our produce dept. tosses their empty boxes onto our U-boats with half their flaps sticking out. They move through the store like penguins. They have wings but they sure can’t fly. – May 18, 2018

When customers walk through the entrance of a store I know, they step directly into the produce department. In the past a center aisle went went straight back through produce, with fruit on one side and veggies on the other. Now customers encounter offset tables with only room enough for one carriage between them. Walk between two tables and you walk straight into the next table. Of course, this creates traffic jams, which I guess are supposed to force people to take time to shop. If you want to move on to the rest of the store, you have to first zigzag your way through the tables.

This innovative traffic pattern seemed familiar. But from where? Then I remembered. Humprey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen. It is just like the delta where main channel of the Ulanga River disappears in a maze of tiny channels and islets. Lost and in misery, Bogart and Hepburn finally squeeze their boat through and find themselves in the bakery. – May 14, 2018

“Is this local corn!?”
“Uh, it was local corn in Florida before they trucked it to Maine.” – May 8, 2018

Last remodeling, our store wanted to be natural, so they “planted” two thirty-foot fake maples in the produce dept. This remodeling they want the fresh depts. to be farm-stand rustic. The plastic trees were cut up and tossed into a dumpster. Fake plank flooring is coming in. – May 1, 2018

Finally I have a link to fame and glory. In the 1960’s I worked at the same steel mill in Gary, Indiana, as  Joe Jackson, Michael Jackson’s father! OK, we worked in different departments. I never met him. But it still counts! – April 26, 2018

Corporate is reorganizing our grocery. A customer asked me for rice cakes. We found them across the aisle from the toweling and next to the school glue and pencils. The rice cakes were there and nothing else in the aisle but inedible nongrocery items. Finally a marketing decision that makes sense! – April 21, 2018

Why is it all these people with comfort dogs are never around when the eggs hit the grocery floor? – April 3, 2018

Did you know you can make cheese in the plumbing? Just pour the milk from all the leaking bottles down the floor drain in dairy. Without bothering to flush it through with water. Wait a few days. Wala! Can we sell cheese by the pipe instead of the wheel? – March 23, 2018

Christmas is long past. Sales are down. Labor costs for full-time associates are too high. Part-time workers are the future. And I feel like the plumpest missionary on Cannibal Island. – March 13, 2018

After Donald Trump’s performance yesterday, I am really looking forward to his meeting with N. Korea’s Kim. They could be the best entertainment duo since Cheech & Chong. – March 11, 2018

I told the guys at work they should call me Weeble because if you knock me down I come right back up. Then last week I tripped over an empty L-cart. Went down and spilled all over the floor like a busted sack of potatoes. OK, call me Humpty. – Feb 27, 2018

I haven’t invested my faith in the words of Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or Bernie Sanders. I don’t buy junk bonds. – Feb 26, 2018

I took a food safety test this week. I had five chances to get it right. The test had one question. It was true or false. I passed! – Feb 17, 2018

If astronomers revealed that a killer asteroid would strike and destroy the earth at 8 a.m. tomorrow, would our store expect associates to show up for our usual 7 a.m. opening to accommodate last-minute shoppers? – Feb 1, 2018

It was a bad nor’easter. Produce load didn’t arrive for our customers. Meat load didn’t arrive, either. But seafood was fully stocked and the Frito-Lay truck made it. Time for opportunistic thinking. Fish & chips, anyone? – Jan 5, 2018

If I got a hearing aid, I could understand what people are saying to me at work. It’s a tough call. – Dec 29, 2017

A well-dressed lady is talking seriously into her smart phone as she shops the Kashi cereals: “Well, it’s a good thing we have a second plane.” Yes, ma’am, I thought, always good to keep a second plane. – Dec 28, 2017

Snow storms. Icy, unsanded parking spaces and sidewalks at our apartment house. A ⅓ drop in the associates in my department from last February, despite a strong upsurge in customers. And working full time all five days before Christmas. Yep. The fun never ends if the fun never begins. – Dec 23, 2017

Crazy busy yesterday. Felt like a rabbit dodging mobs of drunken elephants and hungry cougars. Back to the store again today and tomorrow. – Dec 23, 2017

How has it happened that we Americans have forgotten the true meaning of X-mas? – Dec 22, 2017

Vera and I have reached the point in our lives where we know we need to eat more healthy food, even on the holidays. So we went to the store to pick out our Christmas fish. Haddock is on sale but we were thinking maybe wild salmon. Came home with a whopper of a spiral cut ham. – Dec 21, 2017

Next month begins 2018, but our store’s Muzak is still from the 1970s. Except at Christmas, when it’s from the 1950s. – Dec 6, 2017

Just wrote Nov. 2, 1917, as today’s date. Wow! That would make our sitting president Woodrow Wilson, an academic from Princeton. Wow. – Nov 2, 2017

“Cleanliness is next to godliness.” Yup. The in-your-face clean and the in-your-face godly. Equally annoying. – Nov 27, 2017

The managers at the grocery are racing around taking care of this, recruiting associates to deal with that. We’re always getting things done, yet we never get out of our state of crisis. It’s like we are all stampeding in place. – Nov 17, 2017

I just tried Trader Joe’s Pastrami Style Smoked Salmon. Had it on an everything bagel with cream cheese. This is the place where lox meets lunch meat. I like it. It is the Sharknado of smoked salmon. – Nov 9, 2017

I thought of going to the store today dressed as General George Armstrong Custer. Figured I could rent an 1870’s cavalry officer’s uniform and a bunch of fake arrows. Then I thought, no, the militarists will call me out for disrespecting a fallen soldier and the white liberals will call me out for stereotyping Native Americans. So I went to work in my usual costume as a center-store associate and no one gave me any grief. – Oct 31, 2017

This evening we are getting 2-3 inches of rain with wind gusts up to 60 mph. I’ll be at work, mopping up leaks and dancing around outside after patio furniture & other poorly secured objects. It is not known if I’ll be singing in the rain. But some sort of language event is expected. – Oct 29, 2017

Across our nation Associates are puzzling over their health insurance options for 2018. Most full timers now have Health Savings options in addition to the traditional Health Reimbursement options. Part timers live in a simpler world. Most have only the American standard You-Get-Sick-You-Die health care option. – Oct 27, 2017

How do you explain to a Millennial that “Is the bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods?” means “Yes!”? – Oct 26, 2017

Corporate is coming into our store. Looking around. Planning changes. Hmmm. Change is good, our HR tells me. Really? New practices, new products, new groupings, new displays, new faces. Change is good. Or maybe not when you’ve been in the store ten years and you catch them looking at you, thoughtfully. – Oct 21, 2017

Throwback Thursday: One of my former coworkers used to say he was a fast worker when it counted and that’s just how he was. It was true. Not his fault he was born with lazy arms and lazy legs. God knows his eyes were quick enough when someone dropped a quarter or a girl came through in tights. No one ever said that man had lazy eyes. – Oct 19, 2017

Strawberry basil vodka was marked down in the grocery last week. Who orders this stuff? Bald-headed, middle-aged executives from corporate come into our store and wander around with notebooks. And I think, “Is that the guy who ordered the strawberry basil vodka?” – Oct 17, 2017

Someone is giving me that “Really???” look because I told the doctor I eat a lot of vegetables. Hey, cows eat grass. You are what you eat. Cows are vegetables. – Oct 17, 2017

I thought the manager said we were getting a Hannaford a go go. I offered to help put up the pole. But the manager just rolled his eyes and walked away. Whatever happened to encouraging initiative and volunteerism? Heck, I can put up a pole. – Sept 3, 2017

The monster in our White House is offended and strikes back against the helpless for saying the king has no clothes. And all the little monsters who elected him sit at home revering him with glowing eyes. The Democrats can’t win back those working-class whites who make up Trump’s base. They have separated themselves from humanity. – Sept 30, 2017

I was shocked to learn that our company does not have a specific action plan for a rocket attack on our store from N. Korea. A committee has been formed to develop one. In the interim, we will be going with the store’s Zombie Apocalypse Action Plan developed by our maintenance team in 2008: Run like hell and don’t look back. – Sept 25, 2017

Woke up early this Sunday morning with a Charlie horse and it’s my first day back at work after vacation. And the 6-person department we had at the store in February has shrunk to just 4. Only good point: Pretty sure none of my co-workers was raptured. – Sept 23, 2017

Yes! Yes! It’s all true. Trump is a “deranged dotard with fire.” Kim is a “madman.” Vera is watching Sharknado while I am reading the BBC. Which one is the news? Which one is fantasy? I can’t tell where I am! I need to become the next Dr. Who and travel through time. Damn! I can’t find a phone booth. – Sept 22, 2017

You’re between the credit card you closed and the replacement they are sending you. And Lord Culvert Canadian 1.75 liter is $5 off for the month. The decision is obvious. But that means you’ll need a strong mixer. If you find yourself in this situation, may I recommend Taste of Inspirations Sparkling Sicilian Lemonade. It’s a quick path to a carbonated whiskey sour, and you won’t even taste the Culvert! – Sept 22, 2017

Listening everyday to Sarah Mclachlan on the store Muzak, droning on and on that we are all born innocent. Excuse me. Anybody who believes that never had a little brother or sister. – Sept 14, 2017

Envision Vera & I in a new 2017 SUV of our dreams! Hundreds of unwanted new cars are reportedly on their way to Maine from temporarily closed dealerships in TX & FL. Most look wonderful after a simple wash, wax & blow dry, blow dry, blow dry. The best part: Equifax reports we were approved for three new car loans just last week! – Sept 13, 2017

Young ladies at the store talking about a party last week. Ultra light beer. Cupcake wine. Honey-flavored bourbon. Women have ruined drinking! – Sept 10, 2017

Looks like Hurricane Irma will miss Mar-a-Lago. Don’t tell me the devil doesn’t know his own. – Sept 9, 2017

Mar-a-Lago is located on the barrier islands north of Miami. Trump would never have bought it if he had consulted some Spanish speakers first. I hear it is Spanish for: “Kiss you club house goodbye!” – Sept 8, 2017

My dept. has been trying to hire someone for a month. Problem could soon be solved. Reverse migration! Hey, a few feet of snow? Not that bad! – Sept 8, 2017

Crappy day at the store yesterday. All our customers were suffering from dropsies. I think our store should adopt a motto I remember from souvenir shops: “Lovely to look at, delightful to hold, but if you break it, consider it SOLD! Aug 24, 2017

We didn’t get much of an eclipse up here in Maine. But Uncle Zeke says he was right in the thick of it. It got so dark and spooky that the night crew at his store woke up confused and came to work in the middle of the afternoon. Aug 23, 2017

I don’t know which is worse. Totally forgetting something you were supposed to do at work. Or remembering just before you clock out. – Aug. 3, 2017

“Why don’t you get cooking and make something better of your life?” To bake something better, I need a better batter. – July 25, 2017

My doctor says I have quite a trigger on my right hand. Thought that was pretty cool, until she explained it’s from an inflamed tendon sheath, and not because I’m top gun in Dodge. – July 18, 2017

“Come on, guys. Teamwork!” the supervisor says. But when you teamwork with a goldbrick, you end up doing all of your work plus all of his work that he doesn’t want to do. – July 15, 2017

July 7th. Today is my ten-year anniversary as an associate at the supermarket. Does that mean I can no longer describe it as a temporary job? – July 7, 2017

A manager is wondering why our associates can’t get more work done simply by moving faster. “A law of physics, Sir. No body can travel faster than the speed of light.” – June 23, 2017

Weird day at work yesterday. Felt like I was beamed up down a rabbit hole into some twilight zone twenty thousand leagues under the sea.  –  June 20, 2017

Our grocery was jammed with shoppers all day Friday. People! It’s not Christmas on Sunday, it’s just Father’s Day. Go to the hard liquor department. Find the section for the kind of spirits this guy drinks. Bourbon. Scotch. Whatever. Pull a bottle off the top shelf. Take it to the cashier. Buy it. And go spend time with dad! – June 17, 2017

“Dumb” once meant “mute.” Being unable to speak proved stupidity. Today it’s reversed. Being unable to stop speaking proves stupidity. – June 13, 2017

Listening everyday on the store Muzak to U2’s rich and famous Bono pining, at age 28, that he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. And here I am after rushing all the way from the registers to the backroom. And I can’t remember what I was looking for. – June 7, 2017

The older you get, the less you have to lose. I smell opportunity here! Instead of thinking Mother Teresa, think Betty White. –

I hate doing a sales floor sweep in the summer. It’s like being the street cleaner at the end of a poorly organized circus parade. – May 27, 2017

Went to a new doctor last week. She checked me over. Oh, I said, you didn’t notice I have a midline hernia. I showed her how the ridge bulges when I lie flat and then start to sit up. My two previous doctors warned me about it. She examined it. Hmm. I think you just have a split muscle. She examined it again. No, not a hernia. It shouldn’t be a problem. Crap! Two decades worrying about a hernia that doesn’t exist. – May 26, 2017

All my life people have been telling me I just need to find myself. OK. I finally have. Now what to do with me? – May 23, 2017

Will Rogers said he never met a man he didn’t like.
I feel the same way about cheeseburgers.
Will didn’t say he never met a woman he didn’t like.
I feel the same way about veggie burgers. – May 20, 2017

King Nebuchadnezzar gloried in greatness. God took his mind. He ate grass with the cattle. His hair & nails grew wild. Until he was humbled. – May 12, 2017

This question just came to me. How is it possible that my dad as a boy could gut & butcher a hog, but as an adult couldn’t change a diaper? – May 10, 2017

When I became a man, I put away childish things. Time now to take them all out again. – May 2, 2017

Our old van is at the Ford dealer being repaired. We got a 2017 Fusion as a loaner. The man says, “Look it over. When you’re ready to start it up, push the button on the dash.” Odd I thought. You usually pull the choke out to start. – April 3, 2017

Went to Goodwill with Vera & bought myself a purse. Took it home, got out pliers & took off some great chain mail. Action figure to follow! – March 21, 2017

If St. Patrick had really loved Ireland, he would have left the snakes alone and driven out the politicians. – March 17, 2017

Every day in the store we see those men who bring comfort to every wife’s heart: “Whew! Not my husband!” – March 14, 2017

Trump clarified his immigration rules. Not all Muslims are banned. Only those from poor countries. Poor Muslims can’t pay his greens fees. – March 6, 2017

Not sure. Could have been a dept. meeting today. Or could have been a group of bulls bellowing at each other in a pen. – Feb. 21, 2017

Bad cough. Bronchitis. Vera says Go to the doctor! Last time I went in for a virus, the PA says, “You have the flu. What do you want me to do about it?” $255 – Feb. 13, 2017

Bad mood day all around me at the store. So I’m listening to Muzak. “Take me home. To W. Virginia. Where I belong.” Yeah! No wait, I’m not from W. Virginia. – Feb. 9, 2017

Home sick. Feeling inadequate. When I worked at US steel a girder fell. Crushed a man’s head. His body still showed up for work the next day. His wife brought him. Said she kinda hated to do it, but baby needed shoes. – Feb 7, 2017

When Trump sends all the liberals in labor camps, Trump cultists will say, “He had to do it to make America great again.” Alt fact: “They went happily, singing.”

They wondered at work why I bring so much lunch and spend all my lunch time eating. Life is short, so all pleasures should be long. – Jan. 26, 2017

I saw a girl in a pink #anime outfit at an Asian buffet. She was an anime doll from her head to her toes. No plastic surgery, yet. Thank God. A world away from the good old Goths we all know. Even stranger. Then I thought, Wow! An anime/goth party would be a real trip!!! – Jan. 20, 2017

I saw customers struggling around a stack of three large floor cones at the store’s exit. I moved the cones & found one squished grape. – Jan. 19, 2017

Daybreak. Trump Towers. “The sun rose! I told America I would make things brighter!” – Jan. 15, 2017

Proposal: Connect a loud horn to all green lights so texting drivers can have some way to know the light has changed. Jan. 13, 2017

I don’t usually crow about my prowess at work, but I think my performance today has to be my best of the year. – Jan. 1, 2017

Would I openly carry a handgun in a public place? Would you show your cards while playing poker? – Nov. 23, 2016

Today I realized that as a native-born, white male I can safely stay in this country and live under the Trump regime. Good luck of bad? – Nov. 11, 2016

Again this year, the store can’t afford to give associates a free holiday turkey or ham. Not even a chicken. But good news: on Jan. 20th the whole country gets a fully stuffed bird. And it’s plump enough to overload our plates for the next 4 years! – Nov. 17, 2016

The 1 polyp found during my colonoscopy is normal colon tissue. A lifetime of bad eating did me no harm. Teriyaki jerky – I’m coming home! – Oct. 26, 2016

I hear that more dead people than living vote in US elections. Let’s move the date to All Souls Day, Nov 2, to encourage cross-over turnout. – Oct. 24, 2016

I bought some Lord Calvert Canadian. Trouble is, every time I talk about it, I find myself saying “Lord Culvert.” – Oct. 20, 2016

A tough couple weeks for the digestive system. Doctor says too much red meat. OK. Sign me up for New England grey corned beef. – Oct. 8, 2016

“Moonshine” is marked down. The fad is over. People wised up to paying decent bourbon prices for grain alcohol. May be some hope for the country. – Oct. 6, 2016

I asked Vera if she wanted a mixed drink. Yes, she said, I’ll have a Citrucel. Wild, wild life. – Sept. 27, 2016

Bad week for my tum. Today, the PA tells me a healthy stool should be the size and shape of a banana. So I go home and I eat a banana. – Sept. 27, 2016

Submarine movie. Captain surfaces his sub, climbs the vertical ladder through the conning tower and opens a hatch to climb up onto the small open bridge above. As he climbs through the hatch opening, a small amount of pooled water pours down from above the hatch. Shift to this afternoon’s downpour at its height. We are in a large flat-roofed store. A repair man hurries up the narrow stairs to the rooms above the backroom. He climbs up the vertical ladder that leads to a hatch that he unlocks and opens to get onto the roof. Lesson for the day: Much, much more water pools on the roof of a store than on the little bridge above a conning tower. – Sept. 1, 2016

Some people work through their breaks at the store. I always take mine. If I’m getting a break I know I’m not really in hell, no matter how it feels. No breaks in hell, and no lunch. The only water is 100% saturated with salt and pumped straight out of the Dead Sea. No, not in hell yet. – Aug. 31, 2016

People keep telling me, “It’s good you’ve got so much work to do. The day goes fast.” So why do my days off go even faster? – Aug. 30, 2016

I want my misspent youth back! I’d like to misspend it all over again, but in some different way. – Aug. 7, 2016

Poor rail service is better than a train wreck. Please vote for Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party this fall. – July 29, 2016

Had ears tested: High tones — shot, Middle — poor, Low — OK. So I can’t hear what my managers scream at me. But if they growl, I’m good. – July 21, 2016

Someone at work wants to organize my department efficiently. But how do you get your ducks in a row when you are stuck with a brood of chickens? – June 18, 2016

I was the classic 95-pound weakling when I graduated from high school. Now people tell me, “You can’t be as strong as you were at 18!” – June 5, 2016

Protective dads: If you must bring your seven-year-old daughter into the men’s room, please check first that I am not at the urinal! – June 2, 2016

Tonight at work I realized all the things I can’t do anymore. Who am I? Then I remembered all my bad habits. Felt like myself again. – April 21, 2016

Home from work & feeling grateful to the night-soiled genius who invented the plunger. Without it — Oh my! – April 9, 2016

I went to the eye doctor today. He said that I have the start of cataracts. Just one of those things that happen with advanced age. But he was reassuring. “They can take ten years before they need surgery,” he said, “so you may never need to do anything.” What??? – June 23, 2015

Most of us cook ham or lasagna or lamb for Easter dinner. But what meat do the poor folks back home cook for the day after Easter?  Rabbit. – April 7, 2012

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